An Unnatural Position


When I was younger, there used to be a bunch of things I swore I would never do:

  • Watch golf on TV (I used to get bored just playing it)
  • Go to Vegas (Losing all my money isn’t my idea of a good time)
  • Eat tofu (I’m a ‘meatatarian’)
  • Join a Yoga class (Need I say more?)

A wise old person once said ‘Never say never’.  Well, they’re 4 for 4!

So, here I am in comfortable clothing, attempting the ‘tree’ pose.  God gave us 2 legs so that we’d use them – there is nothing natural about trying to stand perfectly still on one leg while focusing on your ‘Third Eye’ and deep breathing.  You only get one of those things from this guy!

I realized that I’m so uncoordinated, even dead sober I’d probably fail one of those road-side sobriety tests…


Trees have roots.  I have stubby toes.  Not the same thing.

We do movements designed to align our chakras, but mostly I’m trying to not collapse a lung and pop a knee out of joint while simultaneously holding in a fart.

Oh, they even have exercises for that!  It’s called a Mula Bandha or ‘root block’.  I’m not going to describe it, but it works the muscles ‘down there’ to give you more strength.  My guess is that they created this move after a tragic methane outbreak at a yoga retreat.


It’s all designed to be very calming while working your core, and sometimes it absolutely is.  Sometimes though, the instructor will ask us to sit or stand in a certain position and reach out and grab our toes.

Another thing I recently discovered is that my toes are attached to unusually long legs. Like, freakishly long! My toes, as it turns out, are like the stars;  I can see them, but there’s no way I can reach them!  They’re just dangling out there…far, far out of reach.

We got tricked last week, where after a period of sitting with our legs crossed, holding our feet, the instructor had us do a breathing exercise where we held our nostril closed with our fingers….the same fingers that were just picking out our toe jam.  Not cool!

So far, I’ve been to 5 sessions and I have some advice for any of you looking into torturing yourselves like I am:

  1. The thicker the mat, the better! Your butt will thank you.
  2. Clip your toenails (unless it gives you an advantage in trying to reach them).
  3. Stay at the back of the class, mostly hidden from the instructor.
  4. Set up near something you can lean against (see ‘Tree pose’ above).
  5. Wear underwear.  Don’t ask.
  6. Wash your feet before going.
  7. Don’t have cabbage for lunch.

Hopefully these handy tips will guide you to a deeper place within your soul…or confirm that the best yoga pose of ’em all is the ‘corpse pose’.