Ode to the pasty-legged

Pasty legs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From the depths of winter darkness arise,

A shivery silhouette of chalk-white thighs.

Boldly defying the prismatic laws of light,

The embarrassment of public exposure they’ll fight.

Little children will run for a secure and safe place,

But adults can’t hide the shock on their face.

The ‘Ginger’ appears in shorts to the sun,

Sickening folks and ruining their fun.

The ghost-like gleam seems opaque to the eye,

While the mid-day sun reflects to the sky.

Slathered in cream, SPF 60,

They wander around all footloose and free.

With no pigment or sense of self aware,

The surface of skin they should beware.

In about 5 minutes they’ll regretfully learn,

The thin epidermis will rapidly burn.

Over-exposed and turning all red,

The pasty-legged will retreat to their bed.

Coating the crimson coloured pores with aloe,

The legs I’m sure will be pink and aglow.

This is the plight of us fair-skinned folks,

As summer approaches, like a terrible hoax.

We worship the sun high and ablaze,

Why we don’t explode, I’m still amazed.

Sunglasses are needed to block all the glare,

So goes the summer of us, the fare.

Pity the Ginger and light-skinned you see,

Since this poem is all about me.

 

 

Advertisements

Must be spring – a bug flew in my ear.

bug

I’ve said this before, but it’s worth repeating – I don’t like Spring.  It’s easily the worst season (winter being a close second after the one we just had) of the 4.

For many, it’s the promise of better weather and warmer, longer days.  That’s ‘a good thing‘, as Martha would say.

It’s true – Spring means that Summer is on its way, so we shrug off the Winter blah’s, stow away those heavy ugly winter clothes and bring out the lawn furniture.

But not so fast, my friends!  Spring is a false season. It’s a liar.  Spring is not about nice weather and sunny days.  That’s Summer – let’s not confuse the two.  Spring steals all of Summer’s thunder, literally, and offers nothing of value for itself.  It’s like a cheap sidekick as an opening act for the real performer.

It doesn’t help that I really suffer from springtime allergies.  In Canada, we celebrate the May ‘2-4’ weekend, which falls, not coincidentally, on the weekend closest to May 24th.  I think it was a British Queen’s birthday, so as ex-patriots, and exploiters of  the monarchy, we mug every long weekend we can out of them.  I used to think it was named after a case of beer…college days!

It’s the first long weekend of warm weather, but for me it’s a double-edged sword.  This is also the time of year that all the lovely trees are bursting forth with their pollen-spawn, clogging up my sinuses and attacking my immune system.  I usually spend it in the basement with a bottle of Benadryl and box of tissues.

Yup, Spring is a total poser – a cheap veneer, looking like a real season, but it’s just a mirage – a delusion, tricking us into liking it.  Don’t believe me?

Let’s look at the differences:

SUMMER:

  • Long days of sun
  • Warmest weather we’ll see all year
  • Vacations
  • Bikinis
  • Beer gardens & patios
  • Swimming pools
  • Days at the beach
  • Pina Colada scented suntan lotion

SPRING:

  • Rain and/or snow and/or sleet and/or freezing rain
  • Allergies
  • Weather that makes you think it’s summer until you go outside and are freezing in 10 minutes
  • All the dirt, garbage, dog bombs, brown grass, and other nasties that were hidden in the snow
  • Flooding
  • Mud
  • The smells…yuck!
  • Mosquito spray
  • Dead skunks, racoons, or anything else trying to procreate by crossing a busy road
  • Allergies (it’s worth mentioning twice)
  • Birds nesting in my dryer vent

I used to think birds nesting was kind of cute.  In our first house, they nested in the vent for the bathroom fan.  At first is was sweet, being sung to by those melodic, hungry little chicks in the morning while taking care of business, but like all animals, they grew up and trashed the house.  The mess down the outside of my home was a toxic, sticky sludge that had baked into the siding.

See?  Spring is a lousy season.  It’s only positive is that it’s followed by Summer, so it gets the polite applause it doesn’t really deserve.  It rides on the coat-tails of our greatest season, taking all the credit: “Spring showers bring May flowers” – like it’s supposed to make us all warm and fuzzy about dreary, wet days.

Walking the dog this morning, I noticed that the receding glaciers from this past Winter are exposing a lovely collection of pop cans, wrappers, and poop – literally some was on top of one of those green utility boxes.  ON TOP!  That was some dog, I tell you.

The weather was too cold for Spring attire, but because it was above freezing, everything was a muddy mess.  Just to cap it off, a bug – probably the only one alive this time of year – flew directly into my ear.

Oh, yeah.  Let’s welcome Spring, but only because it means that the main attraction is somewhere in the wings, waiting to make it’s appearance.

I can only hope that this Spring is a one-act show….

Too hot, too cold? Too bad!

I’m not a violent man, but the first person who complains about the heat this summer is going to get punched in the throat.

In a 36 hour period, we went from cold, blowing snow, on top of the 15 feet already piled up next to my house, then to freezing rain, and finally a nice thunderstorm last night, bringing about 40mm of rain….I don’t know how much that is, but its a lot.  Trust me.

Now we have full-on class 4 rapids down my street, and since the storm drains are clogged with snow and ice, its spilling into a murky little lake that’s formed right in the intersection.

So far this winter, I managed to dodge making any comments on the ‘Polar Vortex’ that everyone was talking about.  Truth is, I kind of enjoy the snowfall ever since I got my hands on a sweet little snow blower.  Not having to commute across the Toronto gridlock helps make it more fun….sorry Amy!

I’d rush out in the morning after a big snowfall, firing up the little machine, and start clearing as many driveways and sidewalks as I could.  The kids even gave me one of those Alaskan style fur hats so I look the part.

Now the weather is changing.  Warm wet air is turning this winter wonderland to a briny, brownish slop, exposing every piece of garbage that was blown out of recycling boxes or neglectfully tossed by uncaring citizens.  It also highlights the amount of dog-walking that goes on around here.  Yuck!

I like winter.  I hate getting stuck in traffic when it’s snowing, or soaking wet feet, but otherwise I find it very clean and renewing.

Spring sucks!  Okay, it doesn’t suck for everyone, but with my pollen allergies and all the cleanup around the yard to be done, it’s really just natures purgatory before summer.  2 months of schizophrenic weather, where it’s freezing, then raining, then warm, then snowing…all in the same day.

Summer is awesome!  If you live in a seasonal part of the world like Canada, and have 4 to 6 months of bitterly cold weather, you’ll know that no one embraces the summer  more than we do.  The warm summer heat is so fleeting, that we flock to freezing cold lakeside beaches in our shorts as soon as the first robin shows up.  Bring on the sunscreen and shorts.

In Canada, we get only a few months of heat, sun and going outside without having to spend 10 minutes layering up, so we need to fully embrace every minute of the warmth that summer brings.

I can’t wait.

This winter has been too snowy, too cold, too windy, too long.  That’s why no one who has battled through this season has the right to complain about the heat when summer finally arrives.

You’ve been warned!