Breaking Bad-der

My dark side has led me to this.  I just watched the entire Breaking Bad series on Netflix, and unassuming Mr. White was on to something big!  This was a guy I could relate to.  In fact, the similarities between us are remarkable!

  • Just turned 50
  • full on mid-life crisis
  • Spending way too much time in our underwear
  • Look awesome in sunglasses and a goatee

Walter White


Other than his health issues, we’re practically the same guy.  Heck, we both even have a Brother-in-law who works in law enforcement.

Naturally, Walter White’s little foray into entrepreneurship ended badly for him, but I think I figured out what his problem might have been.

He chose a product that was lucrative, but meant dealing with the most unsavory and unpredictable group you’re ever likely to run across. That was his fatal flaw…literally.

My plan is a bit more pedestrian that cooking crystal meth, but under recent municipal legislation, just as likely to get me busted by ‘The Man’.  The upside to dealing in things of an illicit nature is people who want your product will pay big bucks to get it, and are motivated to keep their yaps shut about where they got it.  “Loose lips sink ships” as they say.

The key is finding a product in high demand, no one else is making, and can be distributed quietly without raising suspicion.  The answer was right under my feet – herbicides.

Thanks to heavy political pressure from the environmentalists, our local governments banned all types of residential weed killers.  The herbicides disappeared off store shelves faster than half-priced foam fingers at a Miley Cyrus concert.

One thing the government should have learned from the early years of prohibition, is that demand will always be there, and when something is suddenly made illegal, felonious characters come out of the woodwork to fill the need and make a pant-load of cash along the way.  This is where I come in.

Homeowners are faced with few options now that the Panda-lovers outlawed lawn sprays.  They can get down on their hands and knees, pulling those nasty yellow weeds out by their roots, or they can give up and surrender to this plight to their grass.  It’s in their dirt stained, desperate fingers that I will deliver their sacred nectar.

Contraband dandelion killer will be the next crystal meth for my community.   I even have my own ‘Jessie’ to help me with distribution.  There’s a little kid who wanders around the neighbourhood all day with nothing to do.  He seems to know everybody and would never be suspected by the tree-hugging police.  He’ll give out some small samples.  Maybe even spray an entire lawn as a show of our awesome power over weeds.

Poor desperate gardeners will come begging for more.  One squirt and they’ll be hooked!  Demand will outstrip supply, which will drive up the price. Economics 101, right?  I might have to move my operations from my garage to a mobile unit to stay ahead of the green cops…a Winnebago?  Yeah, I can see it now, cooking my special blend, hidden in plain sight, maybe at an unsuspecting campsite where the transient population is used to looking the other way.

I’ll have to move my product around.  Too many perfect lawns in any one neighbourhood will create suspicion. It’ll be important to stay ahead of the nature fuzz.  I might even have to leave my own lawn a semi-dead weed haven just to throw off their scent – just like the way Walter drove that Aztec around even though he could afford a Ferrari.  It’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to make to stay ahead of them.

My plan is fool-proof.  Nothing can stop me!  After this long winter, everyone will pay whatever price I set for my secret herbicide, to ensure they have the best looking lawns around.  Balancing my fame against total anonymity will be the real challenge. This whole plan should keep me busy until mid-June when the current crop goes into hibernation.

Hmm.  Let’s see – it’s almost May now.  With the new equipment and raw materials I’ll need, and with the free samples to get the word out, giving my ‘Jessie’ his share, I think I should just about break even….maybe that’s no better than breaking bad, now that I think about it.

I’m sure something else will pique my interest – I just started watching Dexter.







At war with the yellow menace

There is a hole in my front yard.

Technically, it’s not really a hole – more like a patch of scorched earth that has created a huge blemish on a very small but artificially well maintained piece of green earth.

I wish I could garner sympathy by saying that it was put there by some insidious enemy who had it out for me, or was indiscriminately added like one of those ‘taggers’ who blotch up walls, utility boxes and light posts with ugly scribbles.   The truth is that this awful blemish on my pretty little piece of heaven was perpetrated by yours truly.  That’s right, I am the stealthy vandal who created this terrible brown mass.

Like a few of you, I have declared war on the yellow enemy know as ‘Dandy Lions’ – those resistant, unapologetic weeds that flourish the more we try to eradicate them.   They tear me from my sleep and force me to suspend any outdoor activity the moment they pop their terrible sickly yellow heads up, so that I must engage in hand-to-hand combat, one on one with this relentless adversary.

The hole?  In the heat of battle, conventional, humanistic conscience is occasionally abandoned in order to win.  In this theatre, I am embarrassed to  admit, I resorted to chemical warfare in order to defeat my enemy.

You see, I decided to to fertilize the lawn, trying desperately to keep pace with my neighbours. You probably have neighbours like this too – the ones with the perfect grass? I bet they have some sort of laser-guided edger, making every curve and corner so precise it looks like its out of an ad for Home and Garden.  And they have rare tropical plants in full bloom, defying nature and baffling the rest of the block.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see some wayward soul teeing up their golf ball on one of these lawns by mistake;  who could blame them for being confused?

While I was out being a good neighbour, trying not to single-handedly destroy the local property values, I took one of those hand fertilizer spreader thingies and started to dutifully cover the (what should have been) green parts of the property.

SIDE NOTE:  does anyone know if its harmful to get this stuff on your dog?

Anyway, as I was churning out the grass food like that scary Scottish guy in commercials tells me to do, I paused to chat with my next door neighbour to catch up on the local gossip.  As I was chatting, my hand spreader decided to go to work all on its own and dumped a small pile of this ‘food’ on the lawn.  By the time I noticed, it was too late.

My selfish desire to eradicate everything yellow from my land, led me down a path of self-destruction.  I poisoned my own troops.  I guess this is what they call ‘friendly fire’ in the big show, but it doesn’t make me feel very friendly.  Now I must do what so many have done before me.  I have to conscript new troops, and go down to the garden centre to buy new top soil and sod.  Its a terrible cycle.  Fight, lose troops, replenish the troops, then fight again.

Each day, however, I wake up to see another evil little yellow flower thumbing it’s green nose at me, as if to say ‘you will NEVER win‘.

Maybe that’s the message.  Maybe I need to do what others have unashamedly done, and embrace this interloper that will not die, will not rest, and will definitely not go away.  Perhaps I need to change my prejudices about these little yellow flowers.  Maybe I should take delight in running through fields of ‘lions’ after their blooms have faded and been replaced with wisps of fluffy seeds, like a child or a puppy would.  I could lay in the grass, blowing the seeds into the air…right on to the neighbours lawn that looks like a golf course.